Thursday, July 31, 2008

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 mm bullet."–Dave Barry

Ok that's not an invitation to go out and shoot people right. Although if you are inclined to be a bit of a nut in that department then just cruise back to my post on the 14th of July and I can give you some more details of this punk who could do with one or two 9mm to the head region.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"Man’s mind stretched with a new idea, never goes back to its original dimensions." – Oliver Holmes

So how stretched is you mind right now? Do you keep going back to ideas already formed? Ideas that are comfortable and work for you so you feel that you are content and fine to sit back and cruise along just marking time.

When you make your roast chicken, do you always set the timer the same, cook the same veggies to go with it and eat it with the same gravy? Or have you tried turning down the dile from 180 degrees to 120 degrees so the juice does not burn off but helps cook the bird slowwwwly. Perhaps squeeze a lemon or two over your roast for the last 2o min of cooking and then eating the thing with your fingers ... mmm? When driving the coast road between Camps Bay and Hout Bay, do you ever turn your same old radio station off, open the windows and breath the salty, seaweedy air - even in winter when it's cold, even if it's raining? Does your breathing ever grab your attention ... have you noticed how much extra space there is even after a normal breath for a little something extra, take it in - it's free and worth it.
Can you feel your mind expand? Perhaps a little? Cool ... take that space and and fill it with another new idea. What have you got? Still nothing? How about when you next find yourself in Pretoria and walking over some jacaranda flowers carpeting the tarmac and concrete, stop, look for a thick section and jump on it 8 times, listen out for the popping as those little guys explode under your shoes (Pretoria too far? Then click on this little beauty as a substitute). Don't worry about passers buy checking you out, they're not going to recognise you anyway, what with your expanded mind bulging out of your head and making you look so different and all. No expansion yet? Geeeez! Ok last few and then I got to go. Can you stand on your head for a minute? You've never tried right? Take your shoes off and do a hand stand against the wall, leaving your head attached to the ground. Do it now, in the office is fine. Feel the blood rush to your brain. Don't worry about it getting pooled down there, as by now there really should be some space from the expansion process taking place. Wait a few seconds and let the discomfort turn to curiosity, learn to deal with it.
Ok you're on your own, let me know what it is that makes your mind expand and change your dimensions forever.

Post Script: Stare at the image. Just Watch carefully the center of the brown “dot”, you will notice that it appears to be expanding. You can also see that the center blurred spot isn’t vanishing, rather expanding, but the outer yellow surrounding is slowly disappearing.

Monday, July 28, 2008

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." - HL Mencken

While on my way for a swim, I was cruising along my normal route: under the bridge (Mind the Chili Peppers), past the camera hire shop and a right turn into the road with the car painted with rainbows and declaring "Ja is love" on the passenger door. As I entered this road my head was snapped back by a powerful splendid aroma. A mixture of scents all coming from one tree of flowers. It was a tree in full bloom that I recall from my childhood. I can't tell you the official name, but I know it as the 'yesterday, today and tomorrow' tree and the promise it brought of the spring to come was tangible.

Friday, July 25, 2008

“Western Civilization? I think it would be a good idea” - Mahatma Gandhi

We are pretty quick to call ourselves civilised. I don't buy it. I see too much happening and in escalation to show otherwise - in agreement with Mahatma really. Does South Africa fall under umbrella of 'The West' though? I'm not sure about that.
I heard the funniest line about Mahatma Gandhi. Basically a play on the fact that he walks around bare foot, never ate very well so was pretty weak and frail and due to his diet and without a teeth brushing regime, well lets just say his was not sponsored by Colgate.
So some clever individual came up with the play on that singing chick with the umbrella's song that went something like this:
"Mahatma Gandhi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis"
Pwwwhhaaaa haaa ha. Love it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"Nothing truly novel comes from established knowledge alone. Most textbooks don’t prepare one for fresh approaches. They leave out the leaps of faith"

"Nothing truly novel comes from established knowledge alone. Most textbooks don’t prepare one for fresh approaches. They leave out the leaps of faith that lead to true breakthroughs." - Lyall Watson Elephantoms

When I was at school and especially at university I was never that keen on my textbooks. When I received the book I would always go through it and look for some cool sections that I thought would be interesting to study when the time came. Then at the end of the year I would realise that those sections were always the one's left out by the lecturers as not too important. That is one of the reasons I did poorly I think, that accompanied with my atrocious hand writing and mind that was prone to drifting away from the topic at hand, seem to have put a handbrake on decent grades.

I actually often thought that the books that I was reading outside of the curriculum were far more beneficial. Even a novel like 'THE CARIBBEAN' - James Michener or 'THE POWER OF ONE' - Bryce Courtney, taught me so much more about a time in history, a part of the world and how things unfolded, than any history lesson could pretend to be teaching. I suppose these days with the so called 'Internet', text books have become a lot less relevant in education and those leaps of faith mentioned above in the quote are a lot easier to materialise. Not ideal for those parents, teachers and leaders out there that like to mold youngsters into their own idea of ideal or worthwhile individuals.

Hopefully with the parameters of control having been lifted in a broader sense over the years more people will be encouraged for those leaps of faith. If they are taken in a direction derived from the individuals own inspiration they will surely be fresh and worthwhile.

Post Script: Lyall Watson died earlier this very month. A naturalist and extraordinary author of some of the best books that I have ever been fortunate enough to read. Books that has inspired leaps of faith for my good self.

Monday, July 21, 2008

“I dig your new car Steve, where did you find such a classic?” “I got Lucky, it’s from a deceased estate” – S Smith

Today's quote was from a conversation I had with a guy I know from my last job. He enjoys his old classic cars. The ones that have a bit of attitude and a lot of 'grunt'. Steve had just picked up a Ford Camero or something similar and I was giving him the thumbs up as I knew it was his vibe. When he told me so happily how he got his hands on this sweet ride I thought it was pretty funny.

Friday, July 18, 2008

"Conformity - When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."

Tomorrow morning - early, I will run up the mountain. It's good up there. I can look down on the 'free' people who are conforming. Sleeping. Not on their feet like zebra's but tucked up warmly. Conforming. Perhaps confornicating. Ha ha, but most likely asleep. Even though they could be up there to watch the sunrise.
The thing is, once they wake up, will they continue to sleep?

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

“By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry” - Gary Larson

What a cracker! Funny guy that Larson cat. I wonder if he is still in an asylum. I think I can sympathise with Hungry Dwarf. It seems the winter has brought along an increase in appetite with it for me. I think my stomach has grown on the inside somewhat and I now eat a half a packet of 500g packet of Linguine when I am making a pasta dish and if I get stuck into a few slices of bread that totals at least eight.
Perhaps living with two of my brothers has brought back memories of 'fighting' for food and getting down as much as possible when the chance presents itself. Being brought up in a house of 4 large boys was brilliant, but also sometimes a bit of a bun fight I suppose. It conditioned me to eat way too fast. I once ate a loaf of bread just for the fun of it - in about 15 minutes. It was a bet with a buddy that I clearly won once that loaf was sitting comfy in my stomach. My reward was a Big Mac!
Last week I watched some crazy mofo's in the USA celebrate the 4th of July by eating as many hotdogs as they could in 10mins. It was a dead heat at 59 hotdogs each. Fifty Nine I said! In ten minutes I said! And these guys are skinny buggers. Joey Chestnut then went on to beat Kobayashi in the eat off stuffing 5 more down quicker than Kobayashi could. Wondrous talents indeed. Has me peckish. You too? I'll buy the wiener's, you get the rolls and I'll see you at the bottom of the escalators in the waterfront for a 10 min hotdog dash.

Monday, July 14, 2008

"Some people are like slinkies,they don’t really have a purpose,but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs"-PlanetPi

Sometimes an individual manages to get under my skin to the extent that I feel for their safety. I have largely got my emotions under control when it comes to irrates in my vacinity, this weekend in Knysna however I decided that this fool would be inducted into the PlanetPi hall of fame for Dickheads who I will no longer spend any energy on - unless that energy is an upercut to the jaw or a baseball bat (My Louisville Slugger is so hungry sitting in the corner of my room) to the knee caps.

The twit in question has always presented opportunities for me to exercise restraint. The first time I remember was 3 years ago when standing around a braai and having just met my girlfriend he anounces to everyone within earshot (in his case a loutish and brash scream which he uses most of the time instead of a voice meant that earshot reached from the braai to minimum of a 4km radius) that if she is single anytime soon he would love a crack at her. Understand please that this guy is not a guy that I know well. More like someone that sometimes ends up in the same place as me just a few unfortunate occasions a year.

All in all Knysna was awesome and the buddy I stayed with was brilliant to put us all up and make sure we were comfortable enough to cruise the half marathon as fast as possible. Pitty this idiot had to kill all the moments I was in his presence... all of them, without exception. Fortunately I managed to avoid him while running, while watching the Springboks klop the All Blacks (sweet! Result!) and while taking a walk with my buddies dogs in the forest which were the three highlights of the weekend.

It's a lonely place the afore mentioned hall of fame, but he sits there as a full life time member - the idiotic punk.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

"You're not drunk enough if you can still lie on the floor without hanging on."- Joe E Lewis

This past weekend was interesting one drinking wise on two fronts. Firstly, I was house sitting a friends place and looking after his dogs. Sat morning arrived in Cape Town which meant it was a Sat afternoon in Wellington NZ. My buddy Blue and his father had booked a table at the Dias Tavern for the rugby (SA v NZ) at 9am.
I had no instructions to walk the dogs and felt bad about leaving them inside when I left the house, so I decided to give them some exercise in the gratuitous back garden with the a massive pool - just smaller than the reservoir across the road. These hounds had plenty of energy, but I never knew any of their games so I had to improvise. The little bugger had too much energy and was bouncing around my feet expectantly. I managed to get to the other side of the pool and then let him chase me. As he went one way I would go the other and when he changed direction I would too. A classic. I could have kept this up all morning. You can't go wrong when returning to basics - doggy style?!
Right moving swiftly back to the 'firstly' part of the drinking scenario... So I arrived at the legendary Dias Tavern - a truly locals eating/drinking establishment with NOTHING lavish but again, good basics. I would give you the address, but then again if you don't know it already then it's probably not for you. Leave it to us locals right? Good. Ok if you really feel the Dias plastic tables cloths and chairs are calling out to you, mail me and we can pay a visit to see how many Catemba's you can drink (half red vino half coke) before the live band gets you up on stage (in this case the stage is actually the floor next to the bar with a big screen above it. Just some dead space really but might as well be Carnegie Hall after a few jugs of those Catemba's).
9am is not the ideal time for red wine. Blue's Dad was thirsty though and even though my yoghurt and muesli was still settling in the tummy we knocked back a few beers and by half time with the excitement of the game, it was looking like a long day of grogging. As it turns out the Springboks forgot the basics in the 2nd half and we lost. Drinking momentum gone too and a session of daylight drinking gone a begging.

This was not the case for one of my brothers and his buddies. They pushed through for what nearly ended up as a 24 hour epic. The biggest casualty and man of the match was the sturdy red head - Bo. Bo's dame was tucked up at home ill and the lad got a little over exuberant. He does have a real problem when he drinks that amount though. He has the normal natural bodily reaction of his stomach rejecting the beers by chucking them back at him. The extraordinary thing is that when this happens his eyelids explode! Properly. I saw Bo the next morning and his eyelids looked like they had rivers of lava flowing from the eyebrows to the eyes. A freaky site indeed. This weekend it's round two in Knysna. I'll be buying our boy plenty shots to see what we can do to those peepers of his.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

“Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.” Winnie the Pooh

Can you do nothing?
Or are you, like most people, not able to just sit and be? Do you have to have your senses (or at least one of them) fed with sensation? If you find yourself sitting on the couch, must you turn the TV on before thoughts enter your head. If thoughts enter your head do you have to stand up and put the kettle on, pick up the phone and make a call, decide that there is surely something you should be doing rather than just sitting there doing nothing?
Aaa what a misguided life you are living. What a pity you have been pulled into the flow of humanity that has lead you into thinking that you need to be doing something all the time. To me it is a poor show that time with yourself, with no computer,book, television, phone, food or music; is uncomfortable and to be avoided.
If you feel there is more to your life than just that which is there to entertain you or keep you busy, then stop and listen, with no intention or expectation. Not for just a few minutes and not once a year. Listen to yourself and take things from there...

Friday, July 4, 2008

Cliff Claven from CHEERS

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." – Cliff Clavin

Enjoy the weekend and happy 4th July to the Yanks.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home." James A Michener

James Michener is a top notch author. I've read many of his books and reveled in his knowledge of other countries and the way he describes them through a story that has an emotional connection. Great reading. My favourite is 'The Caribbean' but his book that has had the most notable effect on me was 'The Drifters' which I read at age 17 and nearly caused me to leave high school to go cruising around the world.
His comment above is incredibly relevant to most travelers that moan so much about their trips away from their own country.

One country I have to give a hard time today though, is England. The issue I am so pissed off about is Andy Murray and his Wimbledon affair. Wimbledon has decided they will give the petulant Scottish lad the unfair advantage of playing on Centre Court for every one of his matches in the tournament (never before has this advantage been afforded to any player. Not even to the modern legends of Borg, Conners, McEnroe, Becker, Agassi or Federer). This gives Murray a huge advantage as the 99% partisan crowd gives extremely one sided support to the brat and puts down any talented play or antics from the opposition. Last night Murray played his fourth (out of four) match on Centre Court. The unfortunate, but better opponent was Richard Gasquet. Gasquet was leading two sets to love with some exquisite tennis. Then the crowd got on his back and cradled Murray through to a come back and win. Very notable was the contrast of crowd behaviour when the two players took time to go to the toilet. Clearly they have to leave the court to do this - the courts are grass, but for some reason it's not considered decent behaviour to whip it out and give a sprinkling of nitrates to the lush and inviting looking greenness of nature.
So it was off to the mens change rooms and to the more traditional porcelain that Murray visited to take a leak at the end of the 4th set. He was welcomed back with oooo's and aaaaah's. Then when Gasquet popped off a half hour later he was booed off and booed back on again. The Pommy idiots! They have practiced the art of getting under our skin when Tiny Timmy Henman was their ill fated and overrated, boring and irritating pseudo-champion. I can't see their status as the number-one-nation-that-the-rest-of-the-world-enjoy-giving-a-good-klap/drubbing-to changing in the near future. Thankfully this status does play itself out most of the time so it has become kind of a sport in itself for the likes of South Africans, Kiwi's and Aussies.
So England have conveniently taken in Andy Murray who is actually a Scotsman and decided that together with the organisers of Wimbledon, they will do all they can to try and serve up an Englis.... uuurgggham ... sorry a British Champion that they pine for so pathetically. Fortunately for us and in line with the history of Henman at Wimbledon (and English sport in general), the build up is just making the certain downfall even sweeter. The Nemesis this time? Aaa that would be the Spanish brute - Rafa Nadal! Can you believe that when Murray won the match last night he pulled up his floppy sleeve to supposedly expose a bicep. Ummm what was that fool? You been lifting empty cereal boxes for weights? What a way to temp fate.
  1. Win your match thanks to the crowd getting the better of a Frenchman not able to cope with 15 000 people on his back.
  2. Expose a pathetic bicep as a sign for other opponents to beware
  3. Step off court to find out you are playing Nadal next.
Nadal has biceps the size of SCUD missiles. And he is going to pulverize the little punk with some eagerly anticipated ruthlessness. If you have the opportunity to watch the match you might want to do so without the commentary. Poor old John McEnroe is audibly cringing at the gratuitous crap that his fellow English idiot goes on and on about. At one stage when the old fool mentioned that if Murray was playing in France the crowd would be just as bias towards Gasquet, McEnroe put him right and flat out told him that was just not true, that the Wimbledon lot were 'unique' in this type of behaviour. I don't think the guy even heard him though as he was drooling over Murray standing on the small wall surrounding the court while bashing his chest with his fists and screaming screaming uncontrollably. His mouth was so wide upon I thought he was going to swallow the little granny in the fourth row, who probably confused as to whether she was watching the Mens finals of 2008 or the mens fourth round of 2008.
If you are a tourist in England and happen to find yourself on Centre Court of Wimbledon, don't reject their strawberries and cream, do not fear them in anyway, do not avoid the people - challenge them but above all DO ignore their custom and rather support as a true sports fan and not a irritating, spineless pommy.